Here’s me: I’m white, unknown, and I have absolutely no money. Other than that, I’m a lot like Sean P-Diddy Combs, who once described himself in an anatomically specific rap lyric as “young, black and famous/with money hangin’ out the anus.” I may not have a signature cologne available at Osco drug stores nationwide, but I can definitely tell when the whole history of an art form — i.e., rap, clothing design, record producing and acting — are completely upended by a maverick newcomer with a fresh approach.
For instance: With Half-Life2 Episode 2, the Valve Corporation has — perhaps unwittingly — raised the hurdle for every other video game company with a lovable cartoon mascot.
Dr. Magnusson is now Valve’s Mario. Easily the douchiest character ever created for a medium that doesn’t actually require characters or characterization. Magnusson is so completely and thoroughly realized — he looks, sounds, and acts like a gigantic douche. His body language is as douchey as his egocentric and overbearing dialogue. I can only imagine that Valve hired the douchiest actor they could find after what must have been weeks of searching and dressed him up in a motion-capture rig to fully simulate his douchey physicality. Or else the increasingly powerful Source engine has some new proprietary douchebag module that simulates unbelievably high-resolution douches.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a good video of Dr. Magnusson acting like a douche. However, I did find one key Dr. Magnusson moment. In the game, (spoiler alert) some stuff happens (end spoiler) and Magnusson has to swallow his pride and thank Half-Life’s Dr. Gordon Freeman, played by Time Magazine’s You. I swear to god, I almost teared up:
Valve: I beg you. Make the world’s first FPD (First Person Douche) videogame. Let me play Dr. Magnusson. Which trigger do I pull to interrupt people while they’re talking? Is there a sarcasm meter in the HUD? Figuring all that out is your job. But I would like the game’s NPCs to display a convincing range of such emotions as outrage, embarrassment, astonishment and annoyance whenever I say anything.
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